Shmucks Copyright 1972, 2007 by Seymour Blicker
WASN’T A STUBBORN TYPE OF PERSON. He knew
how to give in when
he was wrong and
usually knew when
he was; but if he was right
no one was going to
It was a little past 11:00
on a Wednesday night and
Lcvin was in a good
mood. Earlier in the evening he had gone downtown to his favourite bar and
scored. He had really scored. He had noticed the girl eying him from the dance
floor and throwing nookies his way as she danced. It hadn’t taken him long to
lug her. Now, two hours later, she was in his car heading for his apartment in
the west end of the
He cut up Peel Street listening to the girl talk. He wasn’t exactly
listening but was alternately glancing at her tits and visualizing what he was
going to do when he got her home. What an incredible pair of tits, he thought.
“My father’s basically a good type,” the girl was saying. “It’s
just that he’s so used to giving orders in his work, he sometimes thinks he
can do the same with me. You know?”
Levin nodded understandingly. Beautiful, he thought to himself. Once they
begin talking about their fathers, they’re ready. He chuckled inwardly. He
stopped for a red light at de Maisonneuve and pulled out his cigarettes. He
offered one to the girl. She took it and leaned forward for a light. Levin held
out his lighter in such a way that his forearm pressed against the nipple of the
girl’s right breast. He could feel her push slightly forward against his arm.
The light changed and he continued along Peel. He decided to cut
through the alley that
led from Peel to Stanley Street. Then he would head back down Stanley and onto
de Maisonneuve going west. That would be the fastest way home and he was in a
hurry to get there.
He turned off into the alley. He was two-thirds of the way through when a
taxi suddenly turned into the lane and headed towards him. Levin brought his car
to a stop. The taxi stopped as well. Thirty feet separated the two cars. Both
cars rested there for a few seconds.
Levin waited for the taxi to back up and let him through. The taxi
“Why don’t you back up and let him pass?” the girl asked,
Levin turned to look at her, “Are you serious?” There was
his face. “He just came into the
bloody lane. I’m nine-tenths of the way through.”
“So what?” the girl asked.
“So what?!” Levin replied in amazement. “All he’s got to do is
back up ten lousy feet. Why the hell should I have to back up sixty or seventy
feet for him? I mean, Christ, if anyone should back up it should be him,
wouldn’t you say?”
The girl frowned as though considering this attitude on Levin’s part
“Shit, he just has to back up ten lousy feet,” Levin went on.
“So what?” the girl replied.
“So I’m going to wait till that shmuck backs up.”
“We could end up waiting all night.”
“I doubt it. That guy stands to lose a lot of business tonight if he
sits around here. This is when he makes the bulk of his dough—taking people
around to the clubs and so on.”
As Levin finished saying this, the driver of the taxi suddenly shut his
headlights and turned off his motor.
“What a prick,” Levin muttered to himself. “I think I’m gonna
move that guy’s ass,” Levin put the car into park and made a move as though
to get out.
“If you get out of this
car, I’m leaving,” the girl said. There was a frightened sound in her voice. “I can’t stand violence. I hate
“I’m not gonna do anything,” Levin said. He wasn’t lying to the
girl. Several months earlier, he had gotten into a fight in a bar over some
stupid misunderstanding. The fight had developed into a full-scale brawl. Levin
had hit the other guy who fell against a table edge and fractured his skull.
Levin had been unable to sleep for weeks thinking that the man might die. In the
end the fellow had recovered fully. Alter that incident, Levin had promised
himself that he would never again allow himself to be drawn into a fight due to
his own arrogance.
“I was just getting out to see if maybe he’d get scared and take
particularly afraid to me,” the girl said.
From the looks of it the girl was right. From the illumination of his
headlights shining on the taxi, Levin could see that the driver had stretched
himself out on the front seat so that his head was leaning back against the car
window. He was staring up into the air and calmly puffing on a cigarette.
“What a fucking incredible shmuck,” Levin cursed in amazement. “A
putz like that deserves to be punched out.”
“If you talk like that one more time, I’m definitely getting out. I
can’t help it if I get scared when people start talking violently.”
“Who’s talking violently? The guy’s a prick. Look at him. Look at
the shmuck lying there stretched out on the seat.”
“Please just back up and let’s get out of here.”
“I’m just gonna wait here for a little while. I’ll wait ‘im out.
He can’t stay here much longer. He’s probably counting all the nickels he
could be chasing while he’s sitting here. He’s just trying to psyche me out,
but he’ll end up moving soon.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
“If he doesn’t, then he’s gonna have a long wait.”
“We’re just going
to sit here all night?” There was an incredulous sound in the girl’s voice.
“No, not all night. I don’t think he can last more than a half
hour—maybe an hour at most.”
“I think you’re both crazy.”
“I’m crazy? All he has to do is back up a few feet. I was almost
through the bloody alley. The guy must be some kind of overly insecure nut.”
The girl shrugged as though expressing her disdain for everything that
was going on. Levin had a sinking feeling in his gut. He could be halfway home
by now if
the damn prick in the
taxi. Well, it was just too bad. He wasn’t going to move, not even if he had
to sit there all week, all month, all year. He could feel an anger rising in his
“What if he decides to come over here and make you move?”
make me move?”
Levin exclaimed in astonishment. He forced a mocking laugh. “No way, sweetie.
If he comes up here—”
“What?” the girl interjected. “What will you do?”
Levin hesitated for a moment as he thought through his possible line of
action. “If he comes up to my
car, I’ll close the window and ignore him.”
“What about the door?”
“I’ll lock the door. I told you, I don’t want to get into a hassle
with the guy. This is a kind of standoff based on patience, on psychological
attitude. If I was in his position, I’d back up because I’d be wrong. I’m
not gonna fight with the guy. No way. I’m just gonna wait ‘im out.”
“What if he gets crazy and tries to break the window to get in?”
“Then,” said Levin nonchalantly, “I’m gonna kick his fucking ass
around the block.”
“I’m leaving,” the girl said.
“Aw c’mon, he’s not gonna come over here. If he was going to do
that, he’d have done it already.”
The girl moved towards the door.
“Don’t get out. The guy’s going to leave soon, I’m sure of it.’’
want to sit in a laneway all night.”
“lt won’t be all night.” Levin let a light note of hurt into his
voice. He watched the girl’s face.
“How do you know?”
“I know, I know.”
“I’ll bet you know,” she replied sulkily.
Levin looked down at the girl’s breasts. He was getting horny.
“Look uh — why don’t
you come over here?”
“Well, maybe we can sort of screw around a little while we’re waiting
for that guy
“Here? In the alley?”
“Yeah, why not? No one can see anything.”
The girl shrugged, but Levin saw a glint of lust reflect off her eyes.
“I’ll come over there.”
Levin moved over and pressed against the girl. He put his right arm
around the back of her neck. He rested his left hand on her hip. He leaned over
and began to kiss her. He chewed gently on her lips and could feel that they
were rubbery and resilient. She was horny all right.
He slipped his left hand up her sweater. There was some merit in the
women’s lib thing, he thought. It was a clever move on their part to do away
with bras. You could get at their tits so much faster this way. Mind you,
looking at it from another angle, the old way had certain good points that he
kind of missed.
There was a certain thrill that came at that moment when the brassiere
snap suddenly came undone in the hand. Then there was the extra bit of
excitement which came in working the thing up or down from the breasts. The
girls probably must
them a little as well,
he mused, or at least the older ones.
He grabbed hold of a breast. Beautiful, he thought as he squeezed ii
gently. The girl
tugged at his belt with one hand and unzipped his pants with the other. She put
a hand into his underwear and pulled his cock out. He could hear her gasp as she
Levin lifted her sweater up over her breasts and leaned down to suck on
them. He got what he estimated to be a cherry-sized nipple in his mouth, and
rolled his tongue around it.
stop.” the girl gasped. “I can’t take it.
Levin ignored her and kept on. He put his right arm all the way around
her back so that he
could grasp her
His left hand went under
her skirt. He slid
his hand down into her
underpants and in between her thighs. The girl was frantically pulling his cock
and twirling her tongue into his ear.
Levin was not displeased with his progress. If he could arouse her a
little more, he could probably get her into the back seat, or maybe manoeuvre
her into a sitting position on his lap. That wouldn’t be too hard. He would
recline the power seat. It would be easy.
Suddenly the inside of Levin’s car was illuminated. The girl jumped up,
ripping her sweater back down over her breasts.
Levin looked up. The taxi driver had put on his brights. Levin stared
into the lights and couldn’t see a thing. He put on his own brights.
“The guy is definitely out of his mind,” Levin said, more in
amazement than in
“Well, if he’s so crazy, why the heck are we still here? Let’s back
“Aw c’mon,” Levin said ignoring her request. “Let’s jump in
the back and duck down
on the seat. He won’t be able to see anything.”
“No,” the girl replied firmly. “The whole car is lit
If anyone walked by,
they’d be able to see everything.”
“There’s not gonna be anyone walking through this alley at this
hour.” He let a slight note of derision into his voice.
The girl shrugged.
Levin was getting angry. Another few minutes and the girl would leave and
end up in some other guy’s bed. He had gotten her all horny and some other guy
would end up shtupping her.
He rolled down his window. He yelled into the night. “Hey, shmuck, shut
off your lights.”
An answer came booming through the alley. “Fock
Levin laughed a short
sarcastic laugh. “What a prick.” he muttered more to himself than to the
can’t take this.
I’m leaving,” the girl said, half whining.
“Please don’t leave.” Levin put a hurt note into his voice. “I
know this guy can’t last much longer. He’s already brought out his heavy
artillery, turning on his brights; the ploy where he stretched out like he’s
planning for a long night. He’s shot his load, he’s peaked already.”
“Well then pretty soon he may get really fed up and try and move you
out of the way by force.”
“I doubt it.”
“Well I don’t. I told you I can’t stand violence. Even if you
haven’t fought, you’re acting very violently.”
Levin was beginning to get fed up. He wasn’t going to move even if it
meant losing out on this girl. He would do his best to try and persuade her to
stay, but if she wouldn’t it was just too bad. He’d have to miss this one. Of course he could always
look her up tomorrow or the next day, next week.
“I’ve got to leave. I really can’t take the tension any more.”
“Just try and relax. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“I can’t relax,”
let’s jump in
“No, it’s almost like daylight in the car.”
Levin could see that the girl was right. He leaned out the window again
and shouted once more down the alley. “Hey, shmuck, will you shut your bloody
Once again he heard the retort. “Fock you!”
Suddenly Levin saw a light go on in an apartment building bordering the
alley. The building was set back a good 30 or 40 feet from
the fence that delineated the alley, so that Levin had
a good angle into the
second-story window. A man stuck his head out and bellowed, “Will you cut out
the fucking noise down there!’’
heard the answer come
rolling back clown the alley from the direction of the taxi, “Fock you!”
The man withdrew his head and shut the window. The light went out. Silence
returned to the lane,
The girl glanced at her watch, “We’ve been sitting here for fifteen
minutes,” she said angrily. “He’ll never back up.”
The tone in the girl’s voice put Levin off, He shrugged. He couldn’t
blame her though. After all, here he was giving more importance to a
psychological battle with some unknown guy in a taxi than to her and her
incredible body. What a putdown! Mind you, if he had been able to give her a
little taste of dick, she’d probably have stayed with him in the car for a
week if he’d wanted her to. Then again, maybe not.
She seemed like a hard-headed type. He could tell by the way she had
grabbed his tool. Along with the passion there was a suggestion of no-nonsense
authority in her grip.
“Are you going to back up?” she asked again. There was a demanding
note in her voice.
“No,” Levin replied bluntly.
“Okay,” she said and moved towards the door, “That’s it. I’m
“You’re leaving?” He tried to sound dumbfounded, hurt and
self-righteously angry all at the same time.
“You’re not serious?”
“Yes I am.”
“Gimmie your phone number.”
“Fuck you,” she said and got out.
Levin couldn’t help laughing. He turned and watched her go back down
the alley, hitching up her underpants through her skirt
as she walked,
Observing her beautiful ass, Levin felt a tremendous surge of lust run
belly. He was almost ready
to back the car down
the laneway after her when he became aware of
the taxi’s lights glaring into his car and his
turned to a dull rage. He was on the verge of getting out and assaulting the
taxi driver, but he restrained himself, He wouldn’t break his oath. It would be too humiliating. He had promised himself that
he would not become involved in physical violence, and he would keep that
promise no matter how
absurd it seemed at that moment.
He leaned back against the seat, pulled out an Export A and lit it.
He looked at his
watch. It was almost 11:30. He
peered down the lane again just as the girl turned onto Peel Street and
disappeared from view. A moment later the taxi’s lights went off.
Levin sucked in his breath. Another current of anger passed through his
Levin kept his lights on. He left the motor running so that the battery
would stay charged. He wasn’t worried about the gas. He had a full tank. The
tank’s capacity was 20 gallons. He made some quick calculations. Idling he figured he could get
15 miles to the gallon. If he estimated a gallon would last perhaps fifteen
minutes, which meant he could keep the motor running for at least five hours and
probably a lot more.
No problem. It would begin getting light at about 4:30.
He could keep his
lights on with the motor running all night if he wanted to,
Levin leaned back against the door and put his feet up on the seat. He sat up for a moment to raise the radio volume for
the 11:30 news,
and then reclined himself again. The news came on. Levin half listened as the
announcer spoke about the main events of the day, There was more fighting in
Ireland. An item about refugees fleeing from Pakistan. An item about a man who
had stuffed his wife into a garbage can and then thrown garbage in on top of her
after a minor altercation. A priest arrested in Chicoutimi for smoking pot.